We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
Sorted by date Results 51 - 75 of 458
Let’s pretend shall we? I’ll pretend to like cooking, ad you pretend it tastes good. My wife’s cooking is so fabulous, even the smoke alarm cheers her on. I read recipes the same way I read romance novels. I jump to the end and think, “that’s not going to happen.” Either my cooking has improved, or my family’s immune systems have gotten stronger. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put some in the food. According to Pinterest, all I need to be a great chef is a crock pot. My husband’s cooking is so bad that whenever he cooks, we pray...
The Lanark Public Library and the Friends of the Lanark Public Library will be sponsoring a new book club for both men and women. Organizational meeting will be Friday, September 8 at 1:30 in the Lanark Library meeting room at 111-B South Broad Street, Lanark, Illinois. Discussion will be about preferred day and time along with selecting titles. At this meeting our guests will be long time book club members sharing some of their experiences. Call 815-493-2166 during library hours of Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, noon – 5:00, Thursday, noon ...
My ex and I divorced for religious reasons … He thought he was God and I didn’t. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness clearly never paid for a divorce. Get married young so you can be divorced and happy in your thirties. For sale: Wedding Dress – worn once by mistake. Call Leslie. The hardest part of your divorce is finding an attractive recent picture of yourself to upload on a dating site. Our divorce judge wasn’t too impressed with either one of us. It was so bad, our dog ended up getting custody of the kids. Clouds are like ex-husbands ...
You know when a joke becomes a Dad joke? … When it becomes apparent. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket … you can hide, but you can’t run. Yesterday I ate a clock … it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger … then it hit me. What do you call an alligator in a vest? … An investigator. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. I also h...
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and he can avoid his wife for a whole weekend. Two fish walk into a bar … Well, they don’t walk, but you know – wait, I’ll start over. They call him 007 … 0 bites, 0 fish, 7 hours. OK Nemo, he’s almost to the car. Fifty bucks says I can bring him back here with one splash of my tail. Sex is great, but fishing lasts all day. There was a big fight at the seafood restaurant … three fish got battered. I’m a life saver. I rescue fish from water, and beer from bottles. Lord, allow me to c...
Harvest Fest is a new event being held in Terrapin Park, Elizabeth, on August 19th from 9:00 am until 3:00 pm. You're invited to join the celebration of the local farmers, producers, businesses, families and organizations who provide us with fresh food, crafted products, entertainment and education. Local patrons and visitors will experience "Harvest in the Heart of Jo Daviess County" and connect with the agriculture, arts, culture and character of the Elizabeth area. Check out the Farmers...
Gratiot Park in Gratiot, Wisconsin will be the site of a Bluegrass Gospel Concert on Saturday August 26th at 7:00pm featuring BLUEGRASS EXPRESS. Admission is free and everyone is invited to attend. A free will offering will be collected. The event is sponsored by the Evangelical Free Church of Gratiot. In case of rain, the concert will be held indoors. BLUEGRASS EXPRESS was formed in 1980 by the father-son team of Gary and Greg Underwood and has performed extensively ever since, from Michigan...
What is the similarity between a grandmother and a website? You can’t deny the cookies. My grandparents fought during World War II. That was a long time ago, maybe they didn’t have divorce back then. An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again … anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. I don’t care what mom said, grandma said I can have it! All grandchildren are brilliant and beautiful, and obviously take after their grandmother. I don’t get it dad. If grandma’s not a card player, then why did you say she’s n...
What if this Climate Change stuff is all a big hoax. Then we’ll be making the world a better and safer place for nothing! I don’t think the government will declare a war on Climate Change. I mean, considering their war on drugs and war on poverty, they don’t have a good track record. They’re setting up a new Global Warming inaction monument on a single iceberg that was formerly known as “The Arctic”. Only in America do we accept weather predictions from a rodent on Ground Hog Day, but deny climate change evidence from scientists. Wait a minute,...
The Dubuque Main Street (DMS) Board of Directors is excited to announce a new event in downtown Dubuque. The Key City Beer Festival will take place Saturday, August 5, 2023 under Dubuque’s Town Clock on the 700 block of Main Street. This inaugural event is designed to bring together craft beer lovers from all walks of life and provide them with an opportunity to explore their interest, support and promote regional breweries and businesses, raise funds for downtown development, and enhance Dubuque's quality of life. The goal is to create a safe,...
Announcing the Lena Lions 72nd Annual Fall Festival, known as "The Cadillac of Small Town Festivals" will be held in downtown Lena on September 8th & 9th.This year kicks off the 75th Anniversary of the Lena Lions Club! Free entertainment on Friday – 7:00 pm – The MADDMEN are back with one show only. This group is famous for their Classic Rock & Roll, Blues, Classic Country, and more! The current MADDMEN are an advanced incarnation of the NOMADDS, a popular local garage band from the 60's! Saturd...
It’s time to exercise again, but I’m still walking funny from my last workout. I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym. My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. So, today, I drove past a store that sells sweat pants. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes it seven years in a row. I went for a run but came back after two minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m out of shape and can’t run more than two minutes. Does running into the wine shop coun...
State Representative Tony McCombie (Savanna) is hosting her second annual Sweet Corn Day Celebration on August 1st. The event will be a day of family fun and include face painting, bounce houses, and sweet corn; it will be held in Savanna at 9317 Illinois Route 84 from 4-7 p.m. All are welcome to attend! Representative McCombie is passionate about showing appreciation for sweet corn, and in 2022 passed legislation to designate August 1st as Sweet Corn Appreciation Day in Illinois. "I am happy...
My family puts the “fun” in Dysfunctional. Mom’s casseroles only come in two sizes – not enough, and enough to feed an army with leftovers. Trust me, when you think you are the most messed up person in the world, go to a family reunion and you will see otherwise. Remember, be nice to your kids. They’ll be choosing your nursing home someday. My wife wants to have a family gathering for the remaining family members who still speak to each other. I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out. Insanity does not run in my family. Instead,...
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore. I asked my dad how much it cost to get married, but he said he didn’t know – he was still paying for it. Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you really have to do that right now?” It might be true that in China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries, but I would argue that this truism happens everywhere. And I do mean … everywhere. The two golden rules of marriage are 1) The wife is a...
The City of Shullsburg, Wisconsin, has announced its 2023 entertainment line-up for their 20th Annual Music in the Park Concert Series, offering music from a variety of area artists throughout the summer as part of their seasonal entertainment. The free, family-friendly concerts are held from 6:30 – 8:30 p.m. at Shullsburg’s Badger Park – 279 Estey Street in Shullsburg. Food and beverage will be available for purchase at each event, with different vendors and offerings at every show. Concert goers are encouraged to bring their lawn chair...
Best (and worst) pick up lines Do you have a name, or can I just call you “mine”? I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours? Did we go to school together? I could swear we had chemistry. Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes. Do you want to go outside for some fresh air? Because you took my breath away. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Your hand looks lonely, can I hold it for you? I believe in following my dreams, so where are you going? Your name must be Google because you...
The Shenandoah Riding Center in The Galena Territory hosts the Freedom Reins Pro Rodeo, sponsored by Woodbine Bend Golf Course and Restaurant, at 7 p.m., June 30 and July 1. Enjoy a Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association (PRCA)-sanctioned rodeo featuring two nights of amazing entertainment by Universal Pro Rodeos. Get a first-hand look at eight fiercely competitive and exhilarating competitions. This year the Stateline Hotshots Rodeo Drill Team will also perform. Each night features spectacular...
I’m sorry, but throwing Saltines into the campfire is not my idea of fire crackers. For some people, the Fourth of July is the last day they’ll be able to count to ten on their fingers. Remember, if you drink a fifth on the Fourth, you may not be able to go forth on the fifth. The Fourth of July in Chicago was different this year. People had to try and guess if they heard fireworks, or gunshots. This is ridiculous! It’s July 7th and people are still shooting off fireworks. One almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire. Your illegal firew...
At 7:00 pm on June 20th the Eagle Nature Foundation (ENF) and the Apple River State Bank (ARSB) will be sponsoring a three person magic show in the Apple River Event Center as a fund raiser for the Eagle Nature Foundation. The three persons are the three magicians from Jo Daviess County, who will be donating their time to help ENF raise needed funds to study the Bald Eagle, are Jim McCrea, P.T. Murphy and David Sigafus. This show was postponed from its original date this winter because of bad...
I try not to laugh at my own dad jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious. Dad jokes are how eyeroll. My dad told me that evil chickens lay deviled eggs. My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction. So, I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke … when it becomes apparent. What did the nose say to the finger … stop picking on me. I wouldn’t buy anything with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no at...
You should never swim on a full stomach, it’s so much easier swimming in water. Public swimming pools – where you want to jump into the cool relaxing water, only to realize you are literally marinating in pee and bandaids. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? If I only have one day to live, take me to a swimming meet – those things take forever. Remember, hippos can run and swim faster than humans. So, that means cycling is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon. Oh No, I’m sure every little excited...
Family Vacation – Where you remember why your family never spends time together. I think I freaked out the TSA Guard at the airport when I asked him if I chose the “enhanced pat-down” instead of the full-body scan, did that come with some Barry White music and a nice glass of merlot. A good family vacation is when nobody returns in a body bag, and it only takes two weeks for the kids to start liking each other again. Ah, the beach! Sunning, swimming, snacking … and the chance to drive home in wet shorts full of sand. The very best vacatio...
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger … then it hit me. He hit the baseball so hard it needed 108 stitches! The authorities have been showing up at Wrigley Field lately because they heard base stealing was up. I’m going to the baseball game. If I don’t come back by midnight, it means I caught a baseball worth more than a million dollars and left the country. Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Never mind, it’s way over your head. If someone says, “You pitch great for a southpaw,” is that a left handed compli...
High School Graduation – where finishing one of the easiest and most basic parts of life is suddenly a huge deal. For my graduation speech, I would like to thank the Internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Office and Copy/Paste. Some people graduate with honors, others are just honored to graduate. Now that I’m graduating … I just hope this B.S. pays off. I graduated. So, now I’m like smart and stuff. The first call I got after I graduated was my University asking for a donation. You may have graduated, but you’re not finished with Show and...
