We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
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With the Holiday season now upon us, the theaters and television stations have begun to release this year's set of Christmas Movies. But which ones are the best? Which ones do you have to see each year? Everybody has their own personal favorites, so I took it upon myself to compose this list of my best, and worst, holiday movies. The Classic Favorites: (They may be old, but they're excellent!) It's A Wonderful Life - I can still remember the first time I saw it as a kid - thinking my parents...
The only sure things in life are death and taxes … too bad they aren’t in that order. Dear IRS, I am writing to you to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list. Thanks for helping me with my taxes, and not laughing at my income. My daughter asked me to explain taxes to her. So, she could understand, I went in the kitchen and ate 46% of her cookies. Every year I make the same mistake on my tax return. I try doing it myself. Boy, you “accidentally” add a couple of zeros on the refund line, and they act like it’s a...
I think more about running away now than when I was a kid. But by the time I put my teeth in, my glasses on and find my keys, I forget why I’m going. If my body were a car, I’d trade it in on a newer model. Every time I cough, sneeze or sputter, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires. I’m almost to the age where I need to see an archaeologist instead of a doctor. I remember when shake, rattle and roll meant something different from just getting out of bed. Growing old happens … growing up is optional. I don’t know how to act my age … I’v...
Next June, Le-Win choir and band students are hitting the road to perform at Disney; however, with travel expenses at a record high, the trip costs significantly more than previous years. The Music Boosters are working their hardest to raise extra dollars to make this affordable for all students. So, as Jack Jordan, freshman drummer, said, "When life gives you music, you make a variety showcase!" The Music Boosters Holiday Variety Showcase will take place Dec. 15, 7 p.m. The students will deck the halls of the Panther Den with festive...
Black Friday: Because only in America will people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have. Personally, I actually enjoy Black Friday. It’s the one day I know exactly where all the nut jobs are and how to avoid them. Black Friday should actually be called the Hunger Games. People kill each other and the winner gets a $20 crock pot. Your Black Friday shopping trip leads to my Blue Saturday of bill paying. Homemade gifts are the perfect way to say, I’ve got a lot more time than money. It doe...
HCC Chorale & Youth Choir Holiday Concert Enjoy the festive sounds of familiar and new holiday songs with a Holiday Concert by the Highland Community College Chorale and Youth Choir at 3 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 3 in the Fine Arts Center Theatre located in the Ferguson Fine Arts Center, 2998 W. Pearl City Rd., Freeport. The Highland Chorale, under the direction of Heidi Spotts-Manthey, and Youth Choir, under the direction of Dagny Brandt, will feature a selection of holiday favorites sure to...
The Lena-Winslow Theater Department had a massive scheduling headache considering how strong their football and volleyball teams were this fall. With cast members on both of them, trying to find times when they could actually perform their Fall Play – 'Rogues' Gallery' – was not easy, so ... on Sunday afternoon, I took it all in. Now, I had some issues with the show, but the overwhelming impression I got was that the Panthers really have a lot of solid performers. Madi Schierloh and Natalie McNu...
Just remember, the only machine in a casino that always gives you money, is the ATM. I’m leaving you and going to Las Vegas. Men there will pay me $500 for what I do for you for free! (Fine, go, I want to see how you live off of $1000 a year.) The difference between praying in a church, and praying in a casino, is that in a casino – you really mean it. Casino Rule #5: Never ask the Roulette guy if the French wheel was imported. I got lucky the last time I went gambling … I accidentally left my wallet at home. Casino Rule #1: Never gamble more...
The River Ridge Theater Department had a problem. Their talent base held no less than 12 seniors – and all of them needed to be out on stage for their final performance. But finding a show that had enough parts for as many females as the Wildcats had actors ... that was the issue. The solution, was dipping into the way back machine and pulling out a play from the 1930s entitled "Stage Door." Now, you need a quick history lesson, because I looked into it. The play "Stage Door" was written back i...
Would you kindly repeat for the judge, who is a lawyer … and for your attorney, who is a lawyer, the lawyer joke that caused my client to punch you in the mouth. The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes. In the future, please say “I object” rather than, “That’s total b.s.” Every time lawyers start telling their old jokes, they end up arguing over copyright infringement. I think I’m in trouble. My lawyer told me if I want justice, it’s $200 an hour, but if I want obstruction...
Enjoy a night of fall melodies and music of the classics with the Highland Big Band at a concert at 7 p.m. on Friday, Nov. 17 in the Fine Arts Theatre at the Ferguson Fine Arts Center, 2998 W. Pearl City Rd., Freeport. “The HCC Big Band will feature some outstanding soloists and many fine musicians playing jazz band classics,” said Bill Petersen, director. Music will include “Big Swing Face” and “Mercy, Mercy, Mercy” from the Buddy Rich Band. John Hartman will sing the Dean Martin classic "You're Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You" and a new song...
Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with photoshop. These hospital robes let my butt hang out, so I guess now I know why they call it the ICU. I knew I was in trouble when the nurse was taking my temperature and asked her partner how do you tell the difference between the oral and rectal thermometers. My surgery was so expensive that they installed a GPS system so their billing department would always be able to find me. I’m sorry Mr. Stevens but you caught a virus from your computer and we had to erase your brain. I hope you h...
Tickets are now on sale for Freeport High School’s fall musical, Shrek: The Musical, to be performed at the Jeannette Lloyd Theatre November 9 through 11. In this hilarious fairy tale, based on the popular movie, grumpy, green ogre Shrek lives alone in his swamp until his home is invaded by a group of homeless fairy tale characters. Then he and his new friend Donkey must set forth on a quest to rescue the beautiful Princess Fiona. With dazzling sets, whimsical puppetry, and energetic dance numbers, Shrek: The Musical transforms the contemporary...
Dating should be like buying a car … I should get to talk to the previous owners. If my relationships were any more of a joke, I’d be dating the chicken that crossed the road. I don’t need to look at more data. What I’m feeling about you is already statistically significant. Online dating helps me meet and break up with someone without ever leaving the house. My girlfriend would be so much more likeable if it wasn’t for that hole in her face that noises come out of. I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see you eve...
With only seventeen in the cast, the EPC drama department entertained us with the comedy The Murderous Mrs. Maisy. The story starts in a comedy club in the 1950’s. Rhett Forth played Mitch Dickers, the barker at the comedy club. He was dynamic and helped with setting the scene for the rest of the play. Shelby Grozinger was cast as Mrs. Maisy. She provided a strong character and her timing for the comedy lines was quite good. She had a short set at the comedy club the night that her husband vanished. Mrs. Maisy moves into her m...
It’s official. The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth. If you’re a friend with stupid people, you feel like a genius all the time. When I asked “How stupid can you be?” That wasn’t a challenge. Idiots cause stress. Stress causes depression. Depression causes physical ailments. Conclusion: Stupid people make me sick. Just remember, stupid people were put on the earth to test our anger management skills. Scientists say the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons … they forgot to mention Morons. It...
It’s a proven fact that after a black widow mates, it will immediately eat its ex. At least Taylor Swift just writes a song about you. Travis Kelce has had a lot of big catches in his career, but if he’s really dating Taylor Swift, that would be the biggest. I swear, if there is a new song by Taylor Swift next year about sacking football players and punting them from her life – I might be physically ill. I hope my new relationship lasts longer than Taylor Swift’s next five. Jason Kelce asked his All Pro brother, Tight End Travis Kelce of the...
What is scarier than zombie movies? Missing Bootiful Saturday in Downtown Freeport on Saturday, October 28! The fun begins at 10 am with a free special feature of Hotel Transylvania: Transformia at the Lindo Theatre. This animated comedy is rated PG and features voices by Adam Sandler and all your favorite characters from the series are back for another great adventure. Following the movie, children accompanied by their guardians, are invited to visit participating storefronts to trick-or-treat...
If your wife is mad at you, go hunting. She’ll still be mad, but at least you’ll be hunting. Vegetarian – Noun – and old Indian word for “bad hunter”. Hey honey, do you remember when I told you to expect a big surprise for our anniversary? Well, I snuck off to go hunting with Chuck – SURPRISE! My greatest fear is that when I die, my wife will sell all of my hunting gear for what I said I paid for it. I just shot the biggest buck of my life, but can’t post it because my boss thinks I’m home sick with the flu. Someone told me there’s more to life...
Our town is so small we don’t have a town drunk, so we all take turns. People think living in the city is exciting because there are so many more ways to die there. In the country, being stuck behind a tractor is a totally legitimate reason for being late to work. City folks think a possum is a flat animal that likes to sleep in roads. Walking the streets of a small town, you stop to talk to the lone person you might run into. Walking the streets of a big city, you make more eye contact with dog’s than people. Country High Schools tend to hav...
Why is it that when you blow in your dog’s face he gets mad. But when he’s riding in the car, he sticks his head out the window? The only way to stop a dog from barking in your front yard, is to put him in the backyard. Damn it. My email password got hacked again. So, I have to change my password. That makes it the third time this year I’ve had to rename the cat. My cat doesn’t do touchy feely. He does scratchy bleedy. If Cats ran Disney … “Raindrops on roses and stepping on faces. Cries of disgust when I barf on shoelaces. Scratching...
The "Best Event in Illinois" returns with even more great activities for craft beer enthusiasts in Downtown Freeport September 23. Pretzel City Brewfest will feature over 150 craft beers from local and national breweries for tasting on the beautifully rejuvenated Chicago Avenue. Tickets can be purchased online through noon Friday, September 22 at greaterfreeport.com/brewfest or at the gate on the day of the event. Pretzel City Brewfest is an entertaining event for adults 21 years and older to...
Fall – when you’re not sure if you should wear winter clothes for the morning, or summer clothes for the afternoon. In the fall, my family likes to play a little game called “How long can we freeze before we turn on the heat for the first time?” I know it may still be 80 degrees outside, but pumpkin spice everything is out and I can wear autumn colors, so Fall la-la-la-la … Fall la-la-la. Sweaters, Hot Cocoa, Walks in the Woods, Falling leaves, Football, Hot Apple Cider, Pumpkins, Chill in the air … In my opinion, there are only two seasons. Fa...
I found out that squirrels can have up to 15 babies in a single litter. Now, I totally understand why they are always running out in front of cars. You know that thing squirrels do when they stand like a statue, then move really fast, then stand like a statue again? Well, they shouldn’t be doing that on the road. Remember, squirrels buried their nuts before it was cool. A squirrel came to my door and told me I had two options – take down the squirrel baffle on the birdfeeder, or watch him chew through the power line and take down my int...
Let’s pretend shall we? I’ll pretend to like cooking, ad you pretend it tastes good. My wife’s cooking is so fabulous, even the smoke alarm cheers her on. I read recipes the same way I read romance novels. I jump to the end and think, “that’s not going to happen.” Either my cooking has improved, or my family’s immune systems have gotten stronger. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put some in the food. According to Pinterest, all I need to be a great chef is a crock pot. My husband’s cooking is so bad that whenever he cooks, we pray...
