Village Voices - We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks

Fall – when you’re not sure if you should wear winter clothes for the morning, or summer clothes for the afternoon. In the fall, my family likes to play a little game called “How long can we freeze before we turn on the heat for the first time?...

I found out that squirrels can have up to 15 babies in a single litter. Now, I totally understand why they are always running out in front of cars. You know that thing squirrels do when they stand like a statue, then move really fast, then stand...

Let’s pretend shall we? I’ll pretend to like cooking, ad you pretend it tastes good. My wife’s cooking is so fabulous, even the smoke alarm cheers her on. I read recipes the same way I read romance novels. I jump to the end and think,...

The Lanark Public Library and the Friends of the Lanark Public Library will be sponsoring a new book club for both men and women. Organizational meeting will be Friday, September 8 at 1:30 in the Lanark Library meeting room at 111-B South Broad...

My ex and I divorced for religious reasons … He thought he was God and I didn’t. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness clearly never paid for a divorce. Get married young so you can be divorced and happy in your thirties. For sale: Wedding Dre...

You know when a joke becomes a Dad joke? … When it becomes apparent. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket … you can hide, but you can’t run....

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and he can avoid his wife for a whole weekend. Two fish walk into a bar … Well, they don’t walk, but you know – wait, I’ll start over. They call him 007 … 0 bites, 0 fish, 7 hou...

What is the similarity between a grandmother and a website? You can’t deny the cookies. My grandparents fought during World War II. That was a long time ago, maybe they didn’t have divorce back then. An hour with your grandchildren can make you...

What if this Climate Change stuff is all a big hoax. Then we’ll be making the world a better and safer place for nothing! I don’t think the government will declare a war on Climate Change. I mean, considering their war on drugs and war on poverty...

The Dubuque Main Street (DMS) Board of Directors is excited to announce a new event in downtown Dubuque. The Key City Beer Festival will take place Saturday, August 5, 2023 under Dubuque’s Town Clock on the 700 block of Main Street. This inaugural...

It’s time to exercise again, but I’m still walking funny from my last workout. I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym. My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. So,...

My family puts the “fun” in Dysfunctional. Mom’s casseroles only come in two sizes – not enough, and enough to feed an army with leftovers. Trust me, when you think you are the most messed up person in the world, go to a family reunion and...

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore. I asked my dad how much it cost to get married, but he said he didn’t know – he was still paying for it. Marriage is full of...

The City of Shullsburg, Wisconsin, has announced its 2023 entertainment line-up for their 20th Annual Music in the Park Concert Series, offering music from a variety of area artists throughout the summer as part of their seasonal entertainment. The...

Best (and worst) pick up lines Do you have a name, or can I just call you “mine”? I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours? Did we go to school together? I could swear we had chemistry. Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in...

I’m sorry, but throwing Saltines into the campfire is not my idea of fire crackers. For some people, the Fourth of July is the last day they’ll be able to count to ten on their fingers. Remember, if you drink a fifth on the Fourth, you may not...

I try not to laugh at my own dad jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious. Dad jokes are how eyeroll. My dad told me that evil chickens lay deviled eggs. My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction. So, I packed up my stuff and...

You should never swim on a full stomach, it’s so much easier swimming in water. Public swimming pools – where you want to jump into the cool relaxing water, only to realize you are literally marinating in pee and bandaids. If swimming is so good...