We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
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People have liked our Fat Guys With Forks reviews, but in all fairness – they are flawed. I mean, everyone who knows me, knows that I despise vegetables – all kinds of vegetables – so the only dishes I will even eat are your basic meat and potatoes. As my wife puts it, “I have the pallet of a ten year old.” I readily admit that, so my personal taste is skewed – if it’s fried with hot sauce on it, I like it. But something healthy made with avocadoes, onions or peppers … Make me gag! In additio...
Sometimes I like to be alone with my thoughts doing absolutely nothing. It’s not that I’m antisocial, I’m just pro-me. Do not take life too seriously … you will never get out of it alive. My goal this weekend is to move just enough so my wife knows I’m not dead. If I had ten chocolate chip cookies, and you took half of them, do you know what you’d have? That’s right, a black eye and broken fingers. Life is hard … but it’s a lot harder if you’re stupid. If Cinderella’s glass slipper fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? I get paid to be nice...
Bluegrass Express will be presenting a Bluegrass Gospel Concert at 7:00pm on Saturday July 20th at the Gratiot Park just north of Highway 11. The event is free, sponsored by the Evangelical Free Church of Gratiot, and everyone is invited to attend. In February of 2024, the band's single "Don't Say Goodbye if You Love Me" reached #13 on the Hooked on Bluegrass Top 50. Bluegrass Express was formed in 1980 by the father-son team of Gary and Greg Underwood and has performed extensively ever since,...
A day without beer probably wouldn’t kill me … but why take the risk? Beer is now cheaper than gas. The lesson – Drink, Don’t Drive. Beergasm – That moment when you take the first sip. Alcohol is never the answer. But it’s a good way of forgetting the question. I totally believe in second chances. So, if this beer doesn’t give me a buzz, I will have another. Beer – It’s the most important meal of the day. I swear, I didn’t text my ex-girlfriend … the beer did. Never look at your beer as half empty. Look at it as you’re half way to your next bee...
Timber Lake Playhouse (TLP), the premier professional summer theatre of northwest Illinois, becomes a Merry Old Land for this summer's The Wizard of Oz for three weeks of performances from July 11 through July 28. The most beloved tale of all time comes to life on stage! Based on the 1939 film of the same name, the musical is based on L. Frank Baum's novel "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz." The story of a Kansas farm girl who travels over the rainbow has entertained audiences for generations with...
The Stephenson County Fair is thrilled to announce the "Shine Bright Like a Star Inclusive Goat Show," an event dedicated to fostering inclusion and participation in agricultural activities for youth and young adults with disabilities. Scheduled for Friday, July 26th at 4 PM in the Dairy Goat Ring, this unique event will pair participants aged 8-21 with peer mentors and provide goats for the show. This initiative highlights the fair's commitment to accessibility and community engagement. If you...
The nurse told me to try and get some sleep … then came in every few minutes to take my blood pressure and temperature. I think hospitals would be a lot more popular if they rebranded themselves as really, really intense spas. Laughter may be the best medicine, but my health insurance only covers chuckles, snickers and giggles. My son called today saying he was in the hospital. I wish he’d stop doing that, he’s been a doctor for 12 years now. Oh sure, my friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he’s treated like a hero. I donate five k...
Music on Chicago's second appearance of the season is scheduled for Friday, July 5 with Mimi on the Mic and Harlan Jefferson in Downtown Freeport. Don't miss this fantastic music and community event. July's Music on Chicago is co-hosted with Freeport's Flight Radio to bring new talent to the community. Harlan Jefferson will take the stage at 7 pm presenting his own unique style of soul, jazz, funk and hip hop on his saxophone with the help of vocalist Kandrice Jackson. Freeport-native Tamika...
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer bystanders. What do you use to find the location of a golf ball? (A lie detector) How was my golf game? Well, I was one under today … One under a tree; One under a bush; and one under water. Wow you had some round today. Not only did you get a birdie, you got a rabbit and two squirrels. No, I’m sorry, it’s not 1972. Exactly how long were you in the woods looking for your golf ball? Why did you hit your ball into the woods Bob? Do you k...
The Lena Lions Club will be hosting the 2nd annual Bike and Pet Parade on July 20th. The goal of this family-friendly, free event is to increase diabetes awareness and encourage a healthy, active community. The parade starts at 10 a.m. at the entrance of Citizen's State Bank's parking lot on West Mason Street. It continues down past the library and turns onto North Vernon Street at the triangle and then right onto West Main Street to the downtown parking lot. Prizes will be awarded for best bike...
The Shenandoah Riding Center in The Galena Territory hosts the Freedom Reins PRCA Rodeo at 7 p.m., July 5 and 6. Enjoy a Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association (PRCA)-sanctioned rodeo featuring two nights of amazing entertainment by Universal Pro Rodeos. Get a first-hand look at eight fiercely competitive and exhilarating competitions. This year the Stateline Hotshots Rodeo Drill Team will also perform. Each night features spectacular fireworks and a barn dance directly following the rodeo...
I’m one of those people who will ask what’s for dinner while eating lunch. Don’t judge me, I love food. If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it. I can usually come up with two good ideas for dinner. But seven nights a week? Come On! Beer! It’s what’s for dinner. My cooking is so fabulous, even the smoke alarm cheers me on. I always cook with wine … sometimes, I even add it to the food. I’m a second hand vegetarian. Cow eats grass, I eat cow. What do you mean I can...
This year marks the 192nd anniversary of the Battle of the Apple River Fort. In the spring of 1832, Black Hawk led over a thousand of Sauk and Fox warriors and civilians back into Illinois to try and reclaim their lands. His return caused a panic, and settlers across northwestern Illinois and southern Wisconsin began to build small forts to defend themselves-one such fort was built at the Apple River Settlement, now Elizabeth, IL. On June 24, 1832, the Apple River Fort was attacked by two...
The City of Shullsburg, Wisconsin, has announced its 2024 entertainment line-up for their 21st Annual Music in the Park Concert Series, offering music from a variety of area artists throughout the summer as part of their seasonal entertainment. The free, family-friendly concerts are held from 6:30 – 8:30 p.m. at Shullsburg’s Badger Park – 279 Estey Street in Shullsburg. Food and beverage will be available for purchase at each event, with different vendors and offerings at every show. Concert goers are encouraged to bring their lawn chair...
When life throws you a rainy day, play in the puddles. Dangerous precipitation in Illinois is called a “rain of terror”. With all of this rain, my lawn will drown before I even have a chance not to mow it. I’m singing in the rain, so there’s another reason for everyone to stay inside. Oh good, more rain. I was afraid my inflatable ark wasn’t going to get used this year. If this rain keeps up, I’ll have to rely on my sunny disposition … Oh, wait … I guess the phrase, “There’s a 50% chance of precipitation” does sound more scientific than, “mig...
The Shenandoah Riding Center in The Galena Territory hosts the Freedom Reins PRCA Rodeo at 7 p.m., July 5 and 6. Enjoy a Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association (PRCA)-sanctioned rodeo featuring two nights of amazing entertainment by Universal Pro Rodeos. Get a first-hand look at eight fiercely competitive and exhilarating competitions. This year the Stateline Hotshots Rodeo Drill Team will also perform. Each night features spectacular fireworks and a barn dance directly following the rodeo...
Timber Lake Playhouse (TLP), the premier professional summer theatre of northwest Illinois, continues their blockbuster summer season with Footloose, scheduled to open June 13. Footloose tells the story of Ren McCormack, a teenager from Chicago who moves to a small town where dancing and rock music have been banned. When Ren and his mother move from Chicago to a small farming town, he is prepared for the inevitable adjustment period at his new high school. But he’s not prepared for the rigorous local edicts, including a ban on dancing institute...
Dubuque Main Street (DMS) is bringing the outdoor craft beer tasting back with a new name. The Key City Beer & Seltzer Festival will take place in downtown Dubuque on Saturday, August 3, 2024, under Dubuque's Town Clock on the 700 block of Main Street. The 2nd annual tasting event is designed to bring together craft beer lovers from all walks of life and provide them with an opportunity to explore local and regional breweries. There are a few changes this year including the addition of seltzer...
High School Graduation – where finishing one of the easiest and most basic parts of life is suddenly a huge deal. For my graduation speech, I would like to thank the Internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Office and Copy/Paste. Some people graduate with honors, others are just honored to graduate. Now that I’m graduating … I just hope this B.S. pays off. I graduated. So, now I’m like smart and stuff. The first call I got after I graduated was my University asking for a donation. You may have graduated, but you’re not finished with Show and...
I went to find some camouflage trousers toady, but I didn’t see any. Someone who is truly talented, and worthy of immense praise, is the person who can go to Target and ONLY get what they went there to get. What if Soy Milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? I think it might be time to stop shopping online when my computer asks me if I need another shopping cart. It’s hard to call it a ‘smart watch’ when I feel stupid for buying it. Well son, back in 2013, we used to have these big buildings called malls – where they would dis...
Don’t call me lazy, I’m just motivationally challenged. I’m not lazy. I’m just saving my energy for when I really need it. Somebody said today that I’m lazy … I nearly answered. You shouldn’t get mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything. He’s so lazy, when he won the award for laziness, he sent someone else to pick it up. Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it ‘Selective Participation.’ Lazy – when your mind is alert and making plans, but your body is in server maintenance mode. I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing. Lazy...
The Greater Freeport Partnership will host Pretzel City Winefest Saturday, May 11 from noon to 4 pm. Tickets can be purchased online for $25 at greaterfreeport.com/events, the Pretzel City Winefest Facebook page, or on the day of the event. Whether you purchase tickets before the event or at the door, check-in at Hilldale Deli (30 W. Stephenson St.) on the day of the event to receive your Winefest glass, bag, and map of participating downtown boutiques and shopping destinations. Twelve retail locations will be serving wine samples from...
If you mean flipping people off, then yeah, I know how to use Power Point. One of the benefits of not being able to remember things is that you live your life with no regrets. I can really relate to pop art. My knees pop, my elbows pop, my hip pops … Whoever came up with “Visit Your Relatives Day” must be a travel agent for family guilt trips. Some days, the best thing about my job is that my chair spins. My doctor told me to get off the couch, so now I watch tv in bed. I got really lucky the last time I went to the casino … I acciden...
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won. I pulled a muscle mowing the lawn … in my throat … from cursing at the pull cord. I finally got my lawn looking just the way I want it … like nobody lives here. Leaf Blowers and Lawn Mowers … loudly making yardwork the entire neighborhood’s problem since the 1950s. Just remember, no matter how many times a week you have to mow your yard, it’s still better than shoveling snow. I came, I mowed, I kicked grass! Adult peer pressure is very real, it starts with seeing your neighbor cut their grass. When the st...
Every time I walk down a certain aisle at Menards, the stud finders go crazy! I’m all set to start my weekend home renovation project, and my wife is all set to call 911. I love home improvement. Best one I ever made was disconnecting the doorbell. It’s over 40 years old … that’s 160 in toilet years. Just go buy a new one. Some homes have a big backyard for rest and relaxation. I’ve got a giant dog toilet that I have to mow. Honey, we need a new stove. This one’s beginning to burn oil. My husband can’t do a do-it-yourself project. All...
