Village Voices - We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks

My mechanic said it would cost $300 to fix the squeak my car’s engine was making, so I decided to just play my Iron Maiden CD really loud to drown out the noise. I don’t know what’s wrong, but if you open and close the hood like this, It looks...

May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. You don’t need St. Paddy’s Day to spot a leprechaun. There are plenty of strange little men everywhere you go. I actually saw a leprechaun once. After...

Changing to Daylight Savings on Sunday should always be followed by a national holiday on Monday. We lost an hour last night, but look on the bright side. We’re that much closer to Happy Hour. Daylight Savings – when all the appliance clocks in...

Jacob Andrews, Sexton of the Lena Cemetery, will give a presentation on the “Past, Present and Future” of the Lena Cemetery, on Sunday, March 12th at the Lena Historical Museum located at 427 Grove Street at 2:00 pm. The public is invited to...

All these people with cabin fever obviously forgot to stock up on their alcohol. I’m in the mood to do some spring cleaning, so apparently cabin fever has made me delirious. You can’t possibly have winter cabin fever, winter just officially...

Customer Service is the art of doing your best to convince a moron that they are not a moron, without calling them a moron. Did you ever work at one of your coworkers and be like … How the hell do you still work here? No, I’m not angry with you,...

Bad managers don’t listen to their employees, because it makes them feel insecure when they find out the employees are smarter than they are. I’d tell my boss to go jump in a lake, but he’d probably just delegate that to me too. When my boss...

Our program for Monday February 20, 2023, at 7pm, Country Crossroads Quilt Guild will be a roundtable discussion on “Tips and Recommendations Your Longarm Quilter Wished You Knew.” The discussion will be led by several of our current members who...

At 7:00 pm on Feb. 23 the Eagle Nature Foundation and the Apple River State Bank will be co-sponsoring a two hour family Magic Show at the Apple River Event Center as a fund-raiser for the Eagle Nature Foundation. Jo Daviess County’s three...

Timber Lake Playhouse, the premier professional summer theatre of northwest Illinois, announces auditions for local children and adult for their upcoming 2022 Season. Timber Lake Playhouse will again be casting local performers for the following perf...

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. Screw Valentine’s Day. I’m just waiting for the discounted...

Shopping Tip #23 – Accidentally buy the potato chips your spouse doesn’t like so you won’t have to share. The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries … until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do...

In just over a one year span the Queen of Hearts has made her 4th visit to Lena in The Lena Sons of The American Legion Queen of Hearts raffle held each Saturday at the Iron Horse Tap. Deb Vrstal correctly chose card number 30 where the Queen was...

If my relationships were any more of a joke, I’d be dating the chicken that crossed the road. The most important part of any relationship, is the first open fart. You know that crucial moment on a first date when you realize you’d rather be home...

Highland Community College announces a call for entries for the 52nd annual District Juried Art Exhibit. Works are due on Feb. 1 for the exhibit, which runs Feb. 15 to March 13. Submission directions can be found at highland.edu/juriedart. The...

Middle age is the time when you finally get your head together, but your body starts falling apart. Everything is all well and good in your thirties and forties, but once you hit 50 the check engine light comes on. You know you’re getting old when...

The Freeport Public Library announces the One Book One Freeport 2023 title Life Among the Qallunaat by Mini Aodla Freeman, a story of the author’s experiences growing up in the Inuit communities. The free book giveaway starts Monday, January 9th...

There is a time each year when the weather goes from magical to miserable … they call it January. It’s so damn cold outside, I just farted snowflakes. If complaining about the cold weather was an Olympic Sport, my wife would be the gold...